eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
