I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
