i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
