I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
