Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
