this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Randomize
