It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
