every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
