sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He has the fingertips of a God
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
