I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
