woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I think your dad took our porno
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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