K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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