I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
