I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
