Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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