i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
