u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You took a bar mat shot.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
