3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Randomize
