My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
