dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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