you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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