whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
