Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
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