If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
