I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
