Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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