it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
