Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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