the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
