i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Randomize
