At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
