Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
so much tequila, so little girl.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
