I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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