My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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