i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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