Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
