I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
