I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
