im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
