I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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