hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
