Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
