I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
