cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
