is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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