Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
