I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
