Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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