Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
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