Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
