I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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