just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
